


Cobra Se'lai

by ChimeraArts



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Absurd, F/M, Satire, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:14:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26269333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChimeraArts/pseuds/ChimeraArts
Summary: This is an absurd, satirical one-off about MaleShep and Tali getting freaky before the assault on the Collector Base.Hope you enjoy! Comments and feedback welcome!
Relationships: Male Shepard/Tali'Zorah nar Rayya
Comments: 3
Kudos: 2





	Cobra Se'lai

**Author's Note:**

> Check out the audiobook version at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BALGFm-QTWY&t=1s .

“...three hundred...three hundred and one, three hundred and two….”  
Shepard’s exposed nine pack was glistening with sweat as a voice sounded over the comms. “Commander?”  
He paused, like an Adonis, half way through a crunch. The other guys on the ship could suck it. He could stay here for hours, he could even masturbate in this position. You didn’t get your implants to grow three extra sets of abs by jerking it into the sink like a pussy. Speaking of jerking it...Tali’s voice made his shaft lurch like a baby cobra. “Yeah, Tali?”  
“Oh...am I interrupting anything?” Her husky, exotic voice asked. The cobra thrashed.  
“Just a workout. Gotta make sure I’m ready to crush the Collectors when we get to their base.”  
He heard her throaty chuckle, as it echoed in her mask. “Keelah, Commander, I think the collectors are already going to be in for some serious trouble when you get to them. Although...actually, I wanted to see...if you had a minute...or two…?”  
Ha. He could come in less than a minute.  
“I can always squeeze into you, Tali.”  
“Commander?”  
“Yeah?” He eyed his reflection and frenched one of his epic biceps.  
“Did you just say...squeeze into me?”  
“What, no. I said squeeze you in.” He winked at himself in the mirror. “Are you thinking about me in...that way?”  
“Um...no. I just...I’m a little nervous about the mission and I wanted to talk with you before it’s too late.”  
“Alright. You’re in engineering?”  
“Yes, Commander.”  
“I’ll be there. Or I’ll be square.” He heard her end the comm. He pushed himself off the floor and walked over to the bar. If he was going to be seeing Tali before they faced the collectors, he’d have to make sure that he was ready, rigged, and roaring to go. He poured a shot of elcor milk into a glass, mixed in some powdered krogan balls and two raw eggs, mixed it up and chugged. He threw the glass on the ground when he finished and it shattered. He pointed a confident finger at himself in the mirror and said, “Powder Balls, do what tastes right!” Yeah, after this mission they’ll totally accept my request to be their spokesperson.  
He pulled on the shirt Tali had gotten him for his birthday. He had ditched the sleeves and left the sides hanging by a thread to show off his shredded bod. White text on the black fabric read ‘R.I.P.ped’.  
He whistled as he walked down the hall. He took training all of his physique deadly seriously. Whistling was a great way to work those lips so you didn’t have the kissing power of a limp dick pimpled teen. Nah, he was gonna suck on that quarian’s face like he was a barnacle on a whale.  
He pressed the button on the panel to engineering and stepped inside. The lithe quarian had her back to him. From this angle he could make out some cobra-sharming side boob. He was deeply appreciative of the close-fitted tailoring of the quarian’s suits. Wait! Deeply. Ha! Nice one, Shep. He thought, giving himself a mental high five.  
“Tali.” He said, standing in the doorway with his hands on his hips. “I’ve come for you, and now it’s time for you to come for me.”  
She spun around to face him.  
“Oh, Shepard.” She said. “How did you know that I was aching for you? My suit can’t keep up with how my loins are burning for you like the face of the sun. It’s steaming up my visor.”  
He laughed. “Ha, it’s a little thing called animal magnetism.” He flexed his arms and his shirt exploded off him like a rocket or ladies panties.  
“Oh, Commander!” Tali rushed to him and pressed her gloved hand against his exposed peeeeeecks. He made them dance for her. In a minute they’d become so hot that they burned through her glove. Her lavender hand was showing through.  
“Tali!” He said quickly, taking her hand. “I’m sorry! Your suit.” He closed his eyes, regretful, not of what his bod had done, but that he couldn’t see her sopping camel toe with his eyes closed, so he opened them again. Yeah, she’s gonna be like a slip and slide, and I’m gonna bring the water gun! “I’m sorry. I would never want my unbridled, godlike sex appeal to harm you. I guess we can’t be together, it would just cost too much!” He started to pull away, but she caught his hand.  
“Oh, Shepard.” She said, eyes shining through the fog rising from her swampy bush and collecting on the inside of her mask. “No fever I could get from a suit rupture could make me as hot as you do.”  
Score.  
She pulled off her mask and the musky aroma of her burning lust wafted into his nose, like his dick would waft into her vagina. Suddenly his cock burst through his pants, the velvety head ripping through because the universe knew: it was time for him to bone.  
Tali stripped out of her suit like lightning that had broken its leg, and now couldn’t walk very fast; like, it could still walk, but it kind of needed to stop every once and awhile - well, not really like a broken leg, more like when you have a broken foot, but the break is so small that the doc tells you that you don’t need a cast, but moving hurts like a bitch, but you don’t want anyone to know, because you broke your foot by dropping a weight on it cuz you were eating butter and lifting at the same time and the bar slipped out of your hands. So yeah...it took a while. But finally she was naked before him, her body dripping like ice cream and peeking like a groundhog in desire.  
“I’m ready for you, Commander,” she said breathlessly.  
“Tali.” He said. “This could be our first and only night together. I want to make it special.”  
“We can do whatever you want, Shepard.”  
“I want to make eating you a treat.” He said. “But I’m keto, and there’s nothing more important than my rippling, rock hard, outta this word bod.”  
“Shepard, stop.” She said. “You can’t talk like that, my body’s already blazing like the Normandy’s thrusters for you.”  
He grinned. “Well get ready. Cuz I’m gonna finger blast you outta this world.”  
She sighed a sigh that was a sigh. “Sigh.”  
“But we’re gonna make tonight a night to remember.” He pulled a stick of butter and a tub of guac out of his pockets. He was sure that she hadn’t noticed the bulges when he came in. He was already happy to see her, and that was the largest bulge of all. “Tonight,” he said. “We’re gonna lipid it up!”  
Tali swooned. “Oh Shepard! You know just what to say to a girl!”  
And the cobra was ready to strike.  
Cobras are poisonous.  
Tali died.


End file.
